Lord Jarritos Rains Down Death: House of the Beast 3
LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO slaps his cannon down at the top of the pyramid.
The CANNIBAL LEADERS charge at the head of their unruly horde... TARGET ACQUIRED.
The heavy piercing shot tears into the CANNIBAL LEADERSHIP!
A poorly placed CANNIBAL GRUNT is fatally hoisted!
The shot continues –
GRISTLE-SNORTER, the cannibals' second-in-command, is launched skyward!
With an incredibly lucky roll, THE GRAND MAN EATER manages to dodge a lethal blow, but the force of the explosion hurls him backwards – outside of the CANNIBAL FORMATION.
The shot continues its deadly path until it strikes –
AGAINST ALL ODDS a low ranking CANNIBAL HOOLIGAN CATCHES THE CANNONBALL OUT OF THE AIR! (His beard must be obscuring hidden depths of talent.)
The damage is done – the sudden appearance of heavy artillery (and the sudden skyward disappearance of key personnel) sends a jolt of PANIC running through the CANNIBAL FORMATION.
(Time for some MORALE rolls.)
Many of the poorly disciplined CANNIBAL HOOLIGANS break ranks and flee in confusion!
Even PRINCE BONE-CHEWER succumbs to a moment of panic and ditches his allies to go hide in some nearby ruins.
Even the HORDE'S standardbearer takes off.
CANNON-CATCHER and a handful of his compatriots stand their ground, but the damage is done – the CANNIBAL FORMATION is in complete disarray.
Meanwhile, GRISTLE-SNORTER reenters orbit. The explosion has sent him soaring some 80 feet away. The impact of his landing will surely –
Instead of instantly splattering, GRISTLE-SNORTER somehow manages a MIRACULOUS NONLETHAL BOUNCE… Which hurls him another 40 feet.
He finally comes to a skidding halt at the WELL, where he lays in a daze, smoking slightly.
Back at the KEEP, the CRUSADER KNIGHTS see the CANNIBALS in disarray and decide that now is the moment to strike!
"NOW, BROTHERS! STRIKE THE PANTALOONIANS! SEIZE THE ICE BLOCK!"
The CRUSADER KNIGHTS smash into the surprised BLUE BASHERS. Without time to plant their pikes in the ground, the BLUE BASHERS have little defense against the onslaught.
2 BLUE BASHERS fall, their sluggish cries lost amidst the thundering of hooves and the shattering of lances.
One of the CRUSADER KNIGHTS takes hold of the fallen BLUE BASHER STANDARD and brandishes it over his head.
"Your position is hopeless! Surrender the ice block, OR DIE LIKE YOUR BROTHERS."
The remaining BLUE BASHERS stumble to defend the wagon and its frozen payload, but their movements are sluggish and disjointed, like men drunk or drugged.
Lord STEPHANUS STEPHANOV is seized by an even greater coughing fit. He doubles over –
"Stop! STOP! ST- "
With an audible snap, his body whips up right. The coughing has become a stuttering scream.
"STE- STE- STE-STE-"
HIS FACE CONTORTS. HIS FINGERTIPS CRACKLE WITH LIGHTNING. HIS LEGS BEGIN TO MELT.
"STE – STE – "
Before LORD JARRITOS' disbelieving eyes, Lord STEPHANUS STEPHANOV transforms into a towering monstrosity.
"STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!!!"
A WILD THE STEVE HAS APPEARED.
He lumbers down the KEEP steps –
And the seizes the ANCIENT FROZEN SOLDIER from the back of the wagon.
"STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!!!"
Translation: Onwards, minions! The sacrifice must continue!
"STEEEEEEVE!"
Translation: For 20 years I have served without respite, ceaselessly, through harshest of winters and deadliest of summers, famine and drought, sacrificing mind, body, and soul. In this final hour, nothing shall stand between us and the master! All preparations are complete! No man, be he decadent Pantaloonian, barbaric cannibal, or greed-bound crusader shall bar our way! Onwards! For the glory of the master!
He turns and lumbers into the panicked CANNIBALS, the cloudy-eyed BLUE BASHERS falling into line behind him.
LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO surveys the bizarre scene before him.
On the right, the CRUSADER KNIGHTS are regrouping for a second charge. The CRUSADER CROSSBOWMEN seek high ground from which to rain their deadly bolts.
On the left, the CANNIBAL HORDE is in complete disarray. Many flee, and the remainder faces the advancing THE STEVE and his BLUE BASHERS.
At the top of the steps, the BUTLER cackles maniacally.
What will LORD JARRITOS do?
Keep shooting from the top of the PYRAMID and…
1. I never trusted that guy: Fire a PIERCING HEAVY SHOT into the cackling BUTLER.
2. No one takes a Pantaloonian standard and lives to tell the tale: fire a PIERCING HEAVY SHOT into the CRUSADER CAVALRY.
3. He can't be up to anything good: fire a PIERCING HEAVY SHOT into THE STEVE.
4. Before they can be a problem: Fire GRAPESHOT into the CRUSADER INFANTRY to try to take out as many CROSSBOWMEN as you can.
5. Everybody wants it for some reason: try to SHOOT the ANCIENT FROZEN SOLDIER out of THE STEVE's monstrous hand.
6. Never leave a job half finished: Fire a PIERCING HEAVY SHOT into KIELBASA the GRAND MAN EATER.
Take advantage of the chaos to move…
7. Hide on the back side of the pyramid.
8. Slide down the side of the pyramid and follow THE STEVE.
Or do some crazy stuff…
9. Light all of your GUNPOWDER barrels on fire and roll it into the CRUSADERS.
10. That highflying cannibal was onto something: fire your CANNON straight into the GROUND and try to RIDE IT LIKE A ROCKET to catch up with THE STEVE.
Or make up your own crazy plan…
11. OTHER:_____________________
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