Pantaloonia!

His qualms quelled, LORD CITRUS SELTZER abandons his shield, takes up a HAUNTABLE HUNK OF ANCIENT STONE, and sets off down the cramped and twisting tunnel the GHOST showed him. After many arduous scrapings and squeezings, LORD SELTZER sees sunlight! With one final effort, he bursts out of the dark and dismal underworld and back onto good, Pantaloonian soil. A strange sight meets his eyes. He stands in the center of a series of connected ruined towers, each taller than the last. At the top of the highest tower, stuck to a black spiderweb, hangs THE GOLDEN BANJO. A stone STAIRCASE to LORD SELTZER'S right marks the only way up. On the second tower, a STYLITE stands muttering prayers atop a PILLAR.     To his left, LORD SELTZER sees a disorganized knot of CRUSADER FOOTMEN rushing in his direction – they appear to be in a state of panic. LORD SELTZER can make out the occasional cry of "SASHIMI!" and "NINJIRATE SAVAGES!" Ahead – is that FATHER BEARDODOULOS? Some ti...

THE BLACK RUSSIAN doesn't have time to mince words. He shouts his warning to MASTER MENDICANT, and then wheels around and charges the CRUSADERS, waving for the KING OF STINGING LOBSTERS to flank them! His valiant steed leaps over the surprised heads of the ensorcled BLUE BASHERS and smashes into the unsuspecting CRUSADER CAVALRY! The crash of the impact rings across the battlefield! THE BLACK RUSSIAN is thrown from his horse! The CRUSADER KNIGHT flies backwards, armor shattering to pieces! The BLUE BASHERS finish him off before he can get to his feet… THE BLACK RUSSIAN leaps back onto his noble steed and takes stock of the situation. Behind him, the remaining CRUSADER KNIGHTS face off against – a SKELETON HORDE and some kind of MONSTROUS BUTLER? A cry rings out from the cliff above – SAMURAI SAM just made some CRUSADER SASHIMI with UTMOST PREJUDICE. The death of their comrade is so shockingly gruesome, the rest of the CRUSADER FOOTMEN… [*Cue morale rolls*] RUN AWAY SCREAMING....

THE BLACK RUSSIAN orders his crew to climb the CLIFF and save the PRISONER… Then turns and charges the traitorous MERCENARY CAVALRYMAN before the turncoat can slay the unsuspecting MASTER MENDICANT, leader of the BEGGARS' GUILD! At the last moment, the traitorous MERCENARY sees THE BLACK RUSSIAN and parries the blow – the two are locked in combat, neither one able to gain the advantage. MASTER MENDICANT turns and gasps. The newly knighted SIR POOPSMITH STANK-SHOVEL, erstwhile leader of the PANTALOONIAN CHARGE, looks back in confusion. The TRAITOROUS MERCENARY realizes he has drawn too much attention – "I, er, um... THIS DIRTY NINJIRATE BETRAYED US! HE WAS TRYING TO KILL MASTER MENDICANT!" Before THE BLACK RUSSIAN can speak, a cry rings out from the CLIFF. His CREW have run into trouble! Is that – the PRISONER is trying to climb the TOWER and… MISTER BRICKMAN IS DOWN! Suddenly, a terrible explosion rings out – SHEIKAH KNIGHT, leader of the villainous MONKEY KILLERS, ...

Not to be deterred by his brush with death, THE BLACK RUSSIAN hurls his helmet-dagger at THE STEVE, but the blade bounces off the beast's leathery hide! Suddenly, the newly knighted SIR POOPSMITH bursts onto the scene! "A fresh horse for you, courtesy of Lord Seltzer! Fear not for your flank – WE GOT THIS." So saying, he wheels his horse about and leads the PANTALOONIANS in a GLORIOUS CHARGE AT THE STEVE! THE BLACK RUSSIAN leaps onto his fresh mount and calls for his men to join him – the PRISONER is in trouble, judging by the cries ringing out from the CLIFF. THE BLACK RUSSIAN dashes past the reunited FARMERS and around the corner at the head of his crew. MISTER BULLY-HAMMER ESQUIRE stands, bashing a wayward CANNIBAL into submission. Just beyond him, the PRISONER has climbed to the top of the CLIFF – shouts ring out from the other side – he has been spotted by the CRUSADERS! "Footmen! Seize him!" CRUSADER CROSSBOWMEN stumble up the other side of the CLIFF, ...

THE BLACK RUSSIAN rallies his troops and barks out some orders: MISTER BULLYHAMMER is sent to secure the PRISONER – as for those dastardly MONKEY KILLERS… BLACKBEARD THE SLAV calls in his favor with the KING OF STINGING LOBSTERS! There is a sudden flash, and the villainous MONKEY KILLERS find themselves beset by a horde of STINGING LOBSTERS! The foul murderers flee as the STINGING LOBSTERS begin to COMBINE INTO SOME SORT OF SUPER-STINGING-LOBSTER!         "United, we are strong! Rise! Rise! All for the glory of the people!" With the MONKEY KILLERS beset by STINGING LOBSTERS, BLACKBEARD THE SLAV turns his attentions to THE STEVE. Rallying his remaining Ninjirates, THE BLACK RUSSIAN charges the tentacle-distracted STEVE! Chaos erupts! Swords flash on all sides, tentacles slap with a sickening squick noise, FANGS AND CLAWS SWIRL IN A DEADLY WHIRLWIND! THE BLACK RUSSIAN forces his way into the cavalcade of carnage – THE STEVE COUNTERS – THE BLACK RUSSIAN IS UNHORSED! ...

LORD CITRUS SELTZER calls back his troops and the seizes a defensive position atop the ancient BURIAL MOUND! In the field before him, absolute anarchy reigns. The QUEEN OF SERPENTS is trying to call her troops to join her in the JUNGLE, but they have yet to regroup into anything remotely orderly. Several CANNIBALS, including what looks to be a GRAND WARLORD, add to the chaos and – are those NINJIRATES? To LORD SELTZER'S left, THE BLACK RUSSIAN bursts into view, leading a pack of NINJIRATES! They fall upon the lumbering, TENTACLE-blinded STEVE! Absolute pandemonium breaks out! THE BLACK RUSSIAN is thrown from his horse, his helmet split – THE STEVE staggers under the blows – A TENTACLE RIPS HIS ARM OFF – THE STEVE IS SCREAMING – SOME KIND OF WHIRLING CYCLONE MADE OF STINGING LOBSTERS IS SLASHING AROUND, THROWING NINJIRATES THIS WAY AND THAT RAPIDO RAPIDO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! As LORD SELTZER tries to make sense of the chaos before him, he is shocked to hear a low, w...