Pantaloonia!

LORD CITRUS SELTZER gives his trusty Squire, the VILLAGE POOPSMITH, a battlefield promotion and sets him in charge of the PANTALOONIAN forces that stand atop the ANCIENT BURIAL MOUND. Sending the newly knighted SIR POOPSMITH off with the troops to aid THE BLACK RUSSIAN and attack THE STEVE, LORD SELTZER enters the MOANING CAVERN alone and on foot. The cries of battle overhead grow fainter and then disappear as LORD SELTZER journeys down, down, down into the deep and crushing black.   When he can no longer walk, he crawls, and when he can no longer crawl… "I smell Christian blood." The phantasm glows with an unearthly light.   "You have found me, Pantaloonian." "Now, I must beg a boon of you." "Oh, many times have I fought and many times fallen for the sake of your people." "By burning, by the sword, by arrows and stones, by the self-consuming use of my own powers… all manner of death died I" "Soft my soul would fly, back t...

Not to be deterred by his brush with death, THE BLACK RUSSIAN hurls his helmet-dagger at THE STEVE, but the blade bounces off the beast's leathery hide! Suddenly, the newly knighted SIR POOPSMITH bursts onto the scene! "A fresh horse for you, courtesy of Lord Seltzer! Fear not for your flank – WE GOT THIS." So saying, he wheels his horse about and leads the PANTALOONIANS in a GLORIOUS CHARGE AT THE STEVE! THE BLACK RUSSIAN leaps onto his fresh mount and calls for his men to join him – the PRISONER is in trouble, judging by the cries ringing out from the CLIFF. THE BLACK RUSSIAN dashes past the reunited FARMERS and around the corner at the head of his crew. MISTER BULLY-HAMMER ESQUIRE stands, bashing a wayward CANNIBAL into submission. Just beyond him, the PRISONER has climbed to the top of the CLIFF – shouts ring out from the other side – he has been spotted by the CRUSADERS! "Footmen! Seize him!" CRUSADER CROSSBOWMEN stumble up the other side of the CLIFF, ...

LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO swerves out of the BUTLER BEAST's clutches and careens towards the CANNIBAL-clustered MOUNTAIN PASS. TIME TO MAKE WAY.   IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE. Corralled by the cramped confines of the chasm, the CANNIBALS crumble before the crippling cannonade! Chaos! Carnage! Other words that start with C! CANNIBALS are blasted to pieces, others are thrown through the air – several still alive – and redeposited in new and interesting places. The entire MOUNTAIN PASS is cleared in a single shot. LORD JARRITOS roars down a highway paved with the viscera of his enemies and into the JUNGLE beyond. Absolute chaos greets him. Men are pouring into the jungle from the field beyond the trees' edge – CANNIBALS and some other FOREIGN FACTION. Is that the GRAND MAN-EATER and his HELM OF ULTIMATE OVERCOMPENSATION?! BUT WAIT – to the right, the terrible roaring of THE STEVE fills the humid air – a host of PANTALOONIANS advances on the beast! Dead ahead, some kind of terrif...

THE BLACK RUSSIAN rallies his troops and barks out some orders: MISTER BULLYHAMMER is sent to secure the PRISONER – as for those dastardly MONKEY KILLERS… BLACKBEARD THE SLAV calls in his favor with the KING OF STINGING LOBSTERS! There is a sudden flash, and the villainous MONKEY KILLERS find themselves beset by a horde of STINGING LOBSTERS! The foul murderers flee as the STINGING LOBSTERS begin to COMBINE INTO SOME SORT OF SUPER-STINGING-LOBSTER!         "United, we are strong! Rise! Rise! All for the glory of the people!" With the MONKEY KILLERS beset by STINGING LOBSTERS, BLACKBEARD THE SLAV turns his attentions to THE STEVE. Rallying his remaining Ninjirates, THE BLACK RUSSIAN charges the tentacle-distracted STEVE! Chaos erupts! Swords flash on all sides, tentacles slap with a sickening squick noise, FANGS AND CLAWS SWIRL IN A DEADLY WHIRLWIND! THE BLACK RUSSIAN forces his way into the cavalcade of carnage – THE STEVE COUNTERS – THE BLACK RUSSIAN IS UNHORSED! ...

Sweet ride acquired, LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO opens fire on the advancing IRON SOLDIER. But the skillful SKELETON PILOT straight up MATRIX-DODGES THE DEADLY PROJECTILE! (Seriously, this guy rolled like 4 sixes.) Unperturbed, the IRON SOLDIER lumbers down the PYRAMID, towards LORD JARRITOS! Suddenly, a dolorous roar rings out to the South!     STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! As if in answer, the KEEP begins to shake, and suddenly –   "Onwards, Charlies! Onwards! To the aid of The Steve!" The BUTLER – now transformed into some kind of horrifying cyclopean mustache-monstrosity – charges down the Castle stairs, leading a squad of SKELETONS. LORD JARRITOS is about to be overrun… What will LORD JARRITOS do? 1. Charge around the North end of the KEEP and try to catch the CRUSADERS in the rear. 2. Charge around the South end of the KEEP and try to flank the charging CRUSADER KNIGHTS front end of the CRUSADERS' formation. 3. Charge South towards the MOUNTAIN PASS and ...

LORD CITRUS SELTZER calls back his troops and the seizes a defensive position atop the ancient BURIAL MOUND! In the field before him, absolute anarchy reigns. The QUEEN OF SERPENTS is trying to call her troops to join her in the JUNGLE, but they have yet to regroup into anything remotely orderly. Several CANNIBALS, including what looks to be a GRAND WARLORD, add to the chaos and – are those NINJIRATES? To LORD SELTZER'S left, THE BLACK RUSSIAN bursts into view, leading a pack of NINJIRATES! They fall upon the lumbering, TENTACLE-blinded STEVE! Absolute pandemonium breaks out! THE BLACK RUSSIAN is thrown from his horse, his helmet split – THE STEVE staggers under the blows – A TENTACLE RIPS HIS ARM OFF – THE STEVE IS SCREAMING – SOME KIND OF WHIRLING CYCLONE MADE OF STINGING LOBSTERS IS SLASHING AROUND, THROWING NINJIRATES THIS WAY AND THAT RAPIDO RAPIDO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! As LORD SELTZER tries to make sense of the chaos before him, he is shocked to hear a low, w...