Lord Jarritos Watches Some Stuff Go down: House of the Beast 2

LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO carefully climbs the yellow PYRAMID, followed by his DAPPER SWORDSMAN and FRIENDLY SKELETON (who drag the CANNON up the rough pyramid steps as best and silently as they can).

 

From this new vantage point, LORD JARRITOS observes more closely the strange drama playing out on the STEPS of the KEEP.

THE BLUE BASHERS, glassy-eyed and monotone-voiced, stand around a horse-drawn cart carrying the FROZEN ANCIENT SOLDIER.

 

"As directed. As directed. As directed."

At the top of the STEPS, golden gates open wide, stands LORD STEPHANUS STEPHANOV.

"What could I possibly want with this… this macabre spectacle?!"

Perched at his Lord's elbow, the unctuous BUTLER twirls his golden rod of office, an unbecoming smirk working across his lips.

 

"Surely my Lord remembers? Your orders were most specific."

 

"I do not know who these men are, nor the meaning of this stinking, frigid thing! My mind may be… frayed from my illness, but I'm not so far gone as to completely – "

The BUTLER ceases his fidgeting. His writhing lips work into a rictus smile.

 

"The ingredients you desired. FOR THE RITUAL."

STEPHANUS STEPHANOV opens his mouth for an angry rebuke, but is interrupted by a sudden and violent coughing fit.

 

Seeming ever more pleased with himself, the BUTLER continues:

"The ritual FOR THE MASTER."

STEPHANUS STEPHANOV gasps as an even greater coughing fit shakes his body.

 

"I have no – stop – stop saying that word!"

Suddenly, the drama is interrupted by the arrival of another player – the CRUSADER KNIGHTS have rounded the edge of the KEEP.

 

Their leader sights the horse cart and its frozen payload.

"Unhand what you have stolen, Pantaloonian brigands, or taste the bite of our steel!"

But he is not the only intruder onto the scene.

A great cry rises from the cliff-lined PASS to the South.

"NOW, BOYS! WHILE THE GATES ARE OPEN!"

An unruly, stinking horde pours out from the PASS with discordant shouts and heathenish chants!

 

They assemble under a skull-topped war banner – MOUNTAIN CANNIBALS.

 

At the head of the vile host flutters the personal banner of the GRAND MAN EATER. Arrayed under it stand the CANNIBALS' unwholesome LEADERSHIP.

 

As is traditional amongst to the BLOODY MEN OF THE MOUNTAIN, social rank is denoted by the size of a man's OVERCOMPENSATING HEADGEAR.

BLOOD-DRINKER and BONE-CHEWER, minor princes (medium overcompensation).

 

More important still, GRISTLE-SNORTER, the heir apparent (major overcompensation).

 

And finally…

KIELBASA TWO-AXE, the GRAND MAN EATER himself (ultimate overcompensation).

 

Swaggering forward under the weight of his grandly overcompensatory headwear, KIELBASA waves a bloodstained axe at LORD STEPHANUS STEPHANOV and bellows:

 

"DID YOU THINK YOU COULD STEAL OUR PUPPY-MURDERING ALTAR STONE WITHOUT RETRIBUTION?! WE ARE THE MEN OF THE MOUNTAIN! MEN OF BLOOD! MEN OF STRENGTH! WE ARE THE EATERS OF THE WEAK! KILLERS OF THE MERCIFUL! SACRIFICERS-TO-DEVILS OF THE UNFIT AND UNWORTHY!"

 

"WE WILL FEAST ON YOUR STILL-LIVING FLESH!"

With a terrible and discordant cry (like, if a cat could yodel out of its butt, and then someone recorded it and made a dubstep remix), the CANNIBALS charge the STEPS of the KEEP!

 

Not to be outdone, the CRUSADER LEADER shouts to his men:

"No harm must come to the ice block! Crossbowmen, to high ground! Brother-Knights, with me! CHARGE!"

STEPHANUS STEPHANOV and the sluggish BLUE BASHERS are being charged from both sides!

STEPHANUS starts to shout an order, but doubles over before he can breathe a word, body wracked by a coughing fit so fierce it seems his whole body will come un-knit under its assault.

LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO takes stock –

He has 3 men (counting the FRIENDLY SKELETON), PISTOLS, and a cannon that can either fire a single HEAVY SHOT (which pierces everything in a straight line over a long distance) or GRAPESHOT (a giant, inaccurate shotgun blast that deals death across a wide, close range swath.)

The CANNIBAL RABBLE looks poorly equipped and even more poorly disciplined, but their numbers are great. One-on-one, a Pantaloonian soldier would have the upperhand against a cannibal, but en masse…

The CANNIBAL LEADERS are far more formidable – the GRAND MAN EATER looks the equal of any Pantaloonian Lord.

The charging CRUSADER KNIGHTS only number 3, but are the best equipped of any enemy on the field.

 
What will LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO do?

Position your CANNON at the top of the PYRAMID and…

1. Fire GRAPESHOT into the whole CANNIBAL HORDE – let's thin some of those numbers.

2. Fire a piercing HEAVY SHOT at the CANNIBAL LEADERS – let's try to take out the heavy hitters… (and watching their leader explode may encourage the rabble to disperse).

3. Fire a piercing HEAVY SHOT at the CANNIBAL RABBLE's STANDARDBEARER – if the standard falls, chaos and confusion may take the entire formation.

4. Fire GRAPESHOT into the charging CRUSADER KNIGHTS – let's try to take out all the heavy horsemen in a single blast.

5. Fire a piercing HEAVY SHOT through the entire CRUSADER FORMATION – let's take out a knight or two and whatever's behind them. Those crossbowmen could be trouble in the long run.

Or throw caution to the wind, leave the cannon, and CHARGE headlong into the MELEE…

6. Power slide down the pyramid and slam into the CANNIBALS' flank.

7. Power slide down the pyramid and slam into the CRUSADER KNIGHTS' flank.

Or abandon all sense of self-preservation and…

8. Light all of your gunpowder barrels on fire and roll them down the pyramid into both the CANNIBALS and the CRUSADER KNIGHTS.

9. Pretend your cannon is a horse and ride it down the pyramid, spear levelled, to joust the CRUSADER KNIGHTS (and also fire your cannon into them at point-blank range).

10. Ride your cannon down the pyramid like a murderous red wagon into the middle of the CANNIBALS and then blast them with grapeshot from the center of their own formation.

Or come up with your own even crazier & suicidier plan…

11. OTHER:___________________________