Lord Citrus Seltzer Invents Schadenfreude: House of the Beast 5

LORD CITRUS SELTZER orders his MUSKETEERS to secure the top floor of the FARMHOUSE.

From there, they will be able to provide excellent COVERING FIRE. However, they will be operating autonomously – they will be too far away to hear LORD CITRUS SELTZER's orders.

As the MUSKETEERS take their positions, the shaking WELL erupts! Not one, but two TENTACLES burst from its watery depths!


 

Eager to avenge its injured RED TENTACLE brother (and antagonized by the POOPSMITH'S... donations to its waters) the towering GRAY TENTACLE seizes the first living thing in sight – the unfortunate MAN WHO FELL FROM THE SKY. He attempts to resist, but his futile strugglings are nothing to the behemoth's grasp.

The standard he was carrying – clearly MOUNTAIN CANNIBAL in origin – clatters to the ground at LORD SELTZER's feet.

Meanwhile, the RED TENTACLE – still regenerating from the severing blow LORD SELTZER dealt it – lashes out! KLEOPANTSRA THE QUEEN OF SERPENTS, already entangled in the SEVERED TENTACLE that LORD SELTZER threw at her, finds herself beset by the rest of the furious RED TENTACLE. The air fills with screams, palanquin-splinters, and flailing nubile harem boys.

 


Its prey secured, the TENTACULAR BEAST begins slowly drawing them into the watery depths of the WELL. KLEOPANTSRA and the CANNIBAL have only one last chance to break free before they are schlorped out of view.


What will LORD CITRUS SELTZER do?


1. Ha-hah.
Sit back and watch the show.

2. Calamari Beat down
Charge the distracted TENTACLES!

3. Sneaky Advance
Take advantage of the fact that everyone is distracted and move your troops into the JUNGLE! From there, you should have a better view of what's happening in the NORTH.

4. Pursue a "Hopportunity"
Go see what the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN at the edge of the JUNGLE wanted.

5. Double Down
Send some more of your troops to help hold the FARMHOUSE. (You can send 1 – 3 PANTSLESS BEGGARS or SHIELD-BEARING LUMBERJACKS, or some mixture of the two.)

6. All Your Shrine Are Belong to Pantaloonia
Move your troops to fortify the PAGAN SHRINE.

7. Don a Clever Disguise
It's a shame to let that shiny CANNIBAL STANDARD go to waste! Hide your PANTALOONIAN REGALIA and hoist the CANNIBAL STANDARD.

8. Come up with Your Own Crazy Plan…
OTHER:_________________________













 

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